Torn

Another day wondering about disputes, dissatisfactions, and 'disability'?

Hmm, there are times I feel torn as to who to help, who to be with, who to not offend...
It's tiring... but I'm just grateful that I'm needed, that I can help... that I am more capable in certain things compared to most people... then again, with a sense of pride, there is also the sense of responsibility... which can be stressful... It's like having more talents but because of these talents, the expectations are so high that one day, a person can just come crashing down. 

Dear Lord, thank You for the many gifts you have showered upon me which I think sometimes are rather overwhelming but other times, am really grateful for them... Continue to guide me, lead me and use me as You have long planned for me. Help me not to move astray from the path You have set for me. Help me to be sincere and more and more optimistic in everything I undertake. Mama Mary, pray for me. Amen.

Hi again Blog.

It has been a while since my last post.. 4 years ago?

Yes, I'm still with the same man in my relationship (*winks*),
I still have the same name - that doesn't change...
I have finally graduated after 5 and half years of turbulence,
There are additions to my family... let's see.. since 2010, there are probably 4 more kids whom call me 'yiyi' (auntie from the mum's side) and 'kuku' (auntie from the dad's side). Well, I'm finally called 'kuku'!

I just turned 23 years old but this year is 'my' year (the year of the Horse), so let's say, I will be 24 this year. That is 2 cycles I suppose of the Chinese Zodiac. Hmm, the first when I was 12... Both good and bad things happened - stepped into the life of 'puberty', 'adolescence', 'secondary life'... maybe more bad than good.. then yup... until now... much has changed, and much has remained too.

So I have decided that it is time to pen my thoughts, my emotions... who knows someone shares something like me, someone like me, needs a way to let out her feelings... to be able to access her thoughts somewhere or anywhere sometimes... and need not take the traditional way of taking a pen and write in a book, worried it goes missing or... ya, why do I even need to explain? 

I was drove to come back here for many reasons... but tonight, it was just so great... that emotion that feels like it's going to drown me. Feel like I am betraying God too sometimes for being such a worry and fearful pot that I don't seem to have even the faith of a mustard seed that He can take all my fears and worries away from me. I do believe, but I just don't understand why is it so hard to let go of these emotions sometimes you know? Anybody knows?

You're so afraid to lose someone - you feel like you're talented, you're capable, independent, strong, artistic, musical, ya, holistic - all rounded, everyone would love you, look up to you, admire you, is happy to be around you. Then ugh, you have times you feel like... faeces? This lousy person, who suddenly becomes all ugly, horrible, rude, boisterous, irate... goodness... bipolar disorder? Don't think it has to do with being bipolar... but a disorder... maybe. Disorder of everything sensible. Doesn't make sense does it? Do you even get me reading this? Whoever is reading this that is. Sigh... I wonder why do I have this problem? And the thing I do worse is that I blame someone for it, get angry with somebody over everything small, find fault in my situations... when all the fault is clearly, undeniably, obviously...me. Help me?

You have moments you tell yourself that what others say about you don't matter. You know who you are. Who cares? Ha.ha.ha. What a liar you tell yourself later on. You care. You really do. See, this is what goes in my mind. Over the years.

Anyway, I have a flight to catch tomorrow. I should leave my thoughts here. Whoever had this idea for a blog or a place to actually write things like this - thank you.

Goodnight. Abruptly.