Internal Struggle with Yourself

You are a person who cares a whole deal about others.

You wonder sometimes what it means to really care.

Then there's a time when you realised you are actually the most selfish person you can find on earth. Weird isn't it? I mean, do you even get me when you read this? It's difficult isn't it? To fully understand. But I'm sure that if you have felt this way before, then maybe we click in some ways. If most of you felt this way before - and still do (which I do) - then hey, I'm not that weird after all.

So the emotions come like this. It's a day. A bad day. Nothing is going well. The sweetest person whom you care the most deal about doesn't seem to really keep in contact with you. Your friends, supposedly close buddies also seem to be finding other friends to hang out with. You suddenly felt very alone. HELLO? ANYBODY'S HOME? Sigh, you realised you're the type of person who would go all out for others, but there are just those.. most of them, in fact, who can't do the same for you. You understand, because you care. But you don't understand too, that being expectant is also a form of selfishness. Your line of thought resembles something like a burning fireplace. You have all these desires to really care, really be out there for the people around you - even those that don't mean much to you. But you, a human, gets tired too. You burn with the desire to help, to love, to do all things good. It's good to keep others warm like the burning fireplace.. but to keep your fire burning all the time.. it takes effort, the maybe very suitable firewood... But you realised, that in order to burn, often, the surrounding is already so cold. You are cold. You are burning to keep others warm. But in the end, you're the one turning into ashes.

There comes a day, when you just don't feel like doing anything. You decide after cumulatively compressing your feelings, that you deserve that day for yourself. It's also this day that you burst, that you freakingly don't know yourself. You are in a state of mind of wonder. Pure wonder.

Struggling to understand why is it so hard to comprehend that it's not that they don't care about you as you do them. It's just us, not knowing that we are capable of being selfish too. You know it's wrong to burst or let out your feelings all too suddenly. However, you just couldn't help it. You just decided that it's the time to let out your feelings. There's an angel on your right, and a devil on your left. One tells you, you're just finally knowing how to be selfish and give yourself the space needed. One tells you, hello? What have I been doing that they're not bothering about me? Even I am confused now as to how to explain the situation.

They hurt me. I can hurt them back. My loved ones take me for granted, I can just walk away. But hello???? They're the ones that love me too, that help me in times of need. But just why???? Can't they understand me sometimes. Oh goodness, I don't know what the hell I am trying to say.

It's just one of those days, I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to tell my struggles about. So here goes all the typing.. and hoping it stays somehow.. I know God's always listening to me. But there's a reason why Jesus had to become human to help all humans to understand God's love. I am only but human. Sometimes worldly things are better explain in the worldly way. God is close.. but still a faraway being. Send someone who would understand. Maybe I already have someone. But in a close mind that I have now.. I most likely couldn't see it.

Torn

Another day wondering about disputes, dissatisfactions, and 'disability'?

Hmm, there are times I feel torn as to who to help, who to be with, who to not offend...
It's tiring... but I'm just grateful that I'm needed, that I can help... that I am more capable in certain things compared to most people... then again, with a sense of pride, there is also the sense of responsibility... which can be stressful... It's like having more talents but because of these talents, the expectations are so high that one day, a person can just come crashing down. 

Dear Lord, thank You for the many gifts you have showered upon me which I think sometimes are rather overwhelming but other times, am really grateful for them... Continue to guide me, lead me and use me as You have long planned for me. Help me not to move astray from the path You have set for me. Help me to be sincere and more and more optimistic in everything I undertake. Mama Mary, pray for me. Amen.

Hi again Blog.

It has been a while since my last post.. 4 years ago?

Yes, I'm still with the same man in my relationship (*winks*),
I still have the same name - that doesn't change...
I have finally graduated after 5 and half years of turbulence,
There are additions to my family... let's see.. since 2010, there are probably 4 more kids whom call me 'yiyi' (auntie from the mum's side) and 'kuku' (auntie from the dad's side). Well, I'm finally called 'kuku'!

I just turned 23 years old but this year is 'my' year (the year of the Horse), so let's say, I will be 24 this year. That is 2 cycles I suppose of the Chinese Zodiac. Hmm, the first when I was 12... Both good and bad things happened - stepped into the life of 'puberty', 'adolescence', 'secondary life'... maybe more bad than good.. then yup... until now... much has changed, and much has remained too.

So I have decided that it is time to pen my thoughts, my emotions... who knows someone shares something like me, someone like me, needs a way to let out her feelings... to be able to access her thoughts somewhere or anywhere sometimes... and need not take the traditional way of taking a pen and write in a book, worried it goes missing or... ya, why do I even need to explain? 

I was drove to come back here for many reasons... but tonight, it was just so great... that emotion that feels like it's going to drown me. Feel like I am betraying God too sometimes for being such a worry and fearful pot that I don't seem to have even the faith of a mustard seed that He can take all my fears and worries away from me. I do believe, but I just don't understand why is it so hard to let go of these emotions sometimes you know? Anybody knows?

You're so afraid to lose someone - you feel like you're talented, you're capable, independent, strong, artistic, musical, ya, holistic - all rounded, everyone would love you, look up to you, admire you, is happy to be around you. Then ugh, you have times you feel like... faeces? This lousy person, who suddenly becomes all ugly, horrible, rude, boisterous, irate... goodness... bipolar disorder? Don't think it has to do with being bipolar... but a disorder... maybe. Disorder of everything sensible. Doesn't make sense does it? Do you even get me reading this? Whoever is reading this that is. Sigh... I wonder why do I have this problem? And the thing I do worse is that I blame someone for it, get angry with somebody over everything small, find fault in my situations... when all the fault is clearly, undeniably, obviously...me. Help me?

You have moments you tell yourself that what others say about you don't matter. You know who you are. Who cares? Ha.ha.ha. What a liar you tell yourself later on. You care. You really do. See, this is what goes in my mind. Over the years.

Anyway, I have a flight to catch tomorrow. I should leave my thoughts here. Whoever had this idea for a blog or a place to actually write things like this - thank you.

Goodnight. Abruptly.