You are a person who cares a whole deal about others.
You wonder sometimes what it means to really care.
Then there's a time when you realised you are actually the most selfish person you can find on earth. Weird isn't it? I mean, do you even get me when you read this? It's difficult isn't it? To fully understand. But I'm sure that if you have felt this way before, then maybe we click in some ways. If most of you felt this way before - and still do (which I do) - then hey, I'm not that weird after all.
So the emotions come like this. It's a day. A bad day. Nothing is going well. The sweetest person whom you care the most deal about doesn't seem to really keep in contact with you. Your friends, supposedly close buddies also seem to be finding other friends to hang out with. You suddenly felt very alone. HELLO? ANYBODY'S HOME? Sigh, you realised you're the type of person who would go all out for others, but there are just those.. most of them, in fact, who can't do the same for you. You understand, because you care. But you don't understand too, that being expectant is also a form of selfishness. Your line of thought resembles something like a burning fireplace. You have all these desires to really care, really be out there for the people around you - even those that don't mean much to you. But you, a human, gets tired too. You burn with the desire to help, to love, to do all things good. It's good to keep others warm like the burning fireplace.. but to keep your fire burning all the time.. it takes effort, the maybe very suitable firewood... But you realised, that in order to burn, often, the surrounding is already so cold. You are cold. You are burning to keep others warm. But in the end, you're the one turning into ashes.
There comes a day, when you just don't feel like doing anything. You decide after cumulatively compressing your feelings, that you deserve that day for yourself. It's also this day that you burst, that you freakingly don't know yourself. You are in a state of mind of wonder. Pure wonder.
Struggling to understand why is it so hard to comprehend that it's not that they don't care about you as you do them. It's just us, not knowing that we are capable of being selfish too. You know it's wrong to burst or let out your feelings all too suddenly. However, you just couldn't help it. You just decided that it's the time to let out your feelings. There's an angel on your right, and a devil on your left. One tells you, you're just finally knowing how to be selfish and give yourself the space needed. One tells you, hello? What have I been doing that they're not bothering about me? Even I am confused now as to how to explain the situation.
They hurt me. I can hurt them back. My loved ones take me for granted, I can just walk away. But hello???? They're the ones that love me too, that help me in times of need. But just why???? Can't they understand me sometimes. Oh goodness, I don't know what the hell I am trying to say.
It's just one of those days, I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to tell my struggles about. So here goes all the typing.. and hoping it stays somehow.. I know God's always listening to me. But there's a reason why Jesus had to become human to help all humans to understand God's love. I am only but human. Sometimes worldly things are better explain in the worldly way. God is close.. but still a faraway being. Send someone who would understand. Maybe I already have someone. But in a close mind that I have now.. I most likely couldn't see it.
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